I actually cried in my dreams .... and also when I woke up ...
Fear of someone's intrusion , and moreover, the worse is the fact of utilizing the name of love . This is something I need to work on, to resolve this issue seriously !!
Do I hate this person this much?
Is it true that I have transposed my emotions on J who had an opposite hobbies and preferences over many things ? Suddenly, I discovered no one truly love you or love the true you. Everyone only likes parts of you, which may not be a problem, if purity view is exercised..Nonsense though...
Jealousy ? perhaps. You feel J treats others better than you, ( This may be so deviated and wrong but , I do feel this way anyhow ,,,) because he likes them better no matter how close you think his heart in embedded in you. Do not deceive yourself by thinking it is a training but be courageous and stand up , as long as you aim to a direction, the passion will arise ,
Passion do not come to you , merely because you aspire seeking for it. you need to live in action and the passion will arise instantly , These are theories? But how do you apply them here . When I encounter the world with nonchalant attitude, my response from the world is cool ; the opposite side not surprisingly, the resolve appears to be similar, but not advancing or improving.... . Yes, still cool ... well...you say it is the problem of my expectations.... I should not expect to have returns. But I do aware the fact of non passionate response ....
Is it true that man and woman can only have physical relationship?
Due to physical attraction ! If it is true, is it lacking of alluring , flirting, and sexaual temptaion let the outcome not matching my expectations.
J has a poised , asserted , assured, confident, and telepathic look when he stare at me, which can last for 3 minutes long without words. What is the trigger of making me overturned emotion sinking into abyss ? It was the pet ... Well. I dislike dogs...for they are just not beautiful at all , ugly and filthy I would say. Rejoice ! If this is the gift he loves. But sad, why? why can I love dog over Cat? There is a gift shadow as well. Do you give gift in accordance to his needs and preference only? only do you give gift because you think you like this thing which may be useful for him as well? Anyway....Motivation is important. Do not need to care they like it or not.... as long as I mean well.
This person I was so afraid of, in fact , was trying to rape me in my dreams. This dream demonstrated how much the damages have encoded in my heart through years of fear of having knowing this person W. Well... Still need to resolve this problem of fear !
This is such a spiritual and physical torture...
When the void feeling felt so strongly in me instantly when I felt something is not normal ...... I smell the turmoil in K .... Something clicked, and I cried....Because, this is the fact that nobody will like you or love you as much as you like them or love them. All the relationships are not equal, not balance , not mutual , not neutral ! You have the accept this non equality of life in the universe.
Please do not preach me on equal rights, treating all sent seint beings equally, or else.... because not even Buddha treat everyone equally ... they have preferences....and so do we! What is the guideline or principle they follow I don't know. I know what we follow is over our emotions of liking, such as desire of owning over a beautiful form, material, or physical , or human beings, desire of fame, desire of super power, privilege, winning praises, popularity, and so on..... I don't know what are the principles of Buddhisattva's preference? Because someone is on the edge of dieing or in danger? or someone has more influential power and financial support?
Or someone is more attractive ? or else? Or I should not perceive their deeds by a mundane view , which involve with dualism of conceptions , judgement, critiques, and standards, and all kinds of modern terms of concepts. So commercial , and so business now..... well...I may be wrong ...
Yes, I am certain I am wrong.
I have diverged my thoughts already. The emotions burst out is due to my lacking of reference, and emotional harboring anchor ....
Please save me my Guru, please clear my thoughts, please clarify my dual judgement, please clarify my hatred ....Yes, this person W has taught me the darkest side of human beings which I have never encountered...! I have lived in heaven all life and never seen violence, hatred, deprivation, betrayal, conspiracy , and darkness in life, Thank to him. Now it is time to have awareness and also go beyond what I have experienced ! Let's Rise and be courageous !
If passion is something illusory, I am not going to seek for passion! If love is something to contribute instead of receiving, I am not going to explore.... ! So what else? my darling? That is the reason I cried now I know...
To be a non human being ....
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